Scar by Sara Mesa

Author:Sara Mesa
Format: epub

7. A YEAR BEFORE

My behavior isn’t irrational. What may be is how easily I adopt it, how I succumb to it again and again. But violence—and my behavior is violence in its purest state—originates in the reptilian brain we all have left over, a feature which no evolutionary stage has managed to eliminate.

I GOT EIGHT more La Perla sets.

Eight? Sonia isn’t surprised anymore, she just goes along with Knut’s latest self-imposed challenge. He writes enthusiastic descriptions of the pieces before shipping them. You’ll find all kinds and colors, he says: white, beige, purple, coral, baby blue, black, pieces with printed patterns, silk-thread lace, synthetic-fiber lace … I think the black one is particularly wonderful. The minutely detailed account follows. It’s from the brand’s exclusive collection. Just the bra, which is double layered, is 243 euro. Seriously, when you hold it in your hands and take a look at it, you just know it’s very well made, whether you’re interested or not in the world of lingerie. Eight sets, Sonia repeats. She doesn’t know what she’ll do with so much underwear. Well, wear it, right? Knut replies. I’m sure it fits beautifully. She’s still resistant. No, she won’t be able to wear it just like that. Verdú isn’t going to simply believe she spent all this money on lingerie out of the blue—it’s spare money they’re far from having … Tell him the truth, then, he suggests. Tell him a friend gave it to you. Is he nuts? Sonia laughs in writing. He can’t be serious. Of course he’s serious, Knut replies. Why would Verdú feel jealous? Would he actually have a reason to be? Knut has no intention of taking anything away from him. Their spheres of action are entirely different. It’s easy to be confused by the lingerie if the situation is viewed from outside their relationship, but one mustn’t give in to the first thought that comes to mind. Knut doesn’t infringe on Verdú’s territory because he enjoys the pieces much more and before Verdú would, from the moment he starts hunting for them. He likes coveting them, concealing them under his own clothes, kissing them when he gets home, picturing how they look on her body, describing them to her. That imaginary construct, “what is yet to be” he says, is where the allure of sex comes from. I am perfectly fine with forgoing the next step. You know I don’t aspire to f … you. Do you think that’s my intention? It isn’t. I’m satisfied with playing a small part in your life.

That said, does she have any qualms with taking the pieces? Of course I’ll take them, Sonia assures him. She just wants him to be aware that she will have to hide them. She’ll never, or almost never, be able to wear them. Is it still worth it to give them to her? He insists: she doesn’t have to wear them if she can’t find the time. She can simply keep the lingerie in a box.

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